DOUG STANHOPE: New York is baffling in that it's a city
that prides itself on being an absolute shithole.
I say, there's nothing good here
and people are proud of that.
They're happy.
(feigned laughter)
Oh, it's overpriced and it's overpopulated.
And it stinks like piss, and comics,
comics film specials here.
And they all open with a joke about,
"Yeah, I spend $8,000 a month for nine square feet."
And you go, "Why don't you fucking leave here?
Why do people stay here?"
But, unfortunately, this is where comedy works,
where people are the most miserable.
I'd rather be filming a special
on a beach in Costa Rica at a tiki bar right now,
but they don't need comedians.
They're already smiling.
They're already happy, naturally.
So that's why I'm doing this special here,
'cause it's the last fucking place I want to be.
Captioning sponsored by TRIAGE ENTERTAINMENT
I'm going to be smoking through this whole set.
(cheering and applause)
Because that's...
that's one of the loopholes in the, uh, law.
They keep the... in the smoking bans, they keep...
"if it's part of a theatrical production,"
a loophole in the law,
'cause they don't want to fuck up
some faggy Tennessee Williams production
and ruin the integrity of the show.
So they leave this fucking loophole open for me.
(laughter)
If-if the cigarette bothers you because you're envious,
vote next time.
How about that? Vote.
Yeah, every now and then
figure out what the fuck's going on in your community.
I know you don't vote, you got shit to do.
Leave it to old people with breathing problems
who will never come here.
This whole fucking generation is so unbelievably sad.
If you're just getting to, like, partying age, you're fucked.
There's nothing going on in this country anymore.
It's done.
Last call.
It's just a suck generation.
It's the most boring, fucking generation
in the history of people.
It's all dumbed down and wadded.
When's the last time you heard
stories about rock and roll bands
chucking TVs out of hotel windows
or any of that shit that,
that used to be... fun?
Like, there was fun in the world.
I-I-I... some of this is going to make me sound
like a grumpy old fuck, and I am,
but I have, I have just cause.
This... there's nothing...
As people get older,
the older you get, the more bitchy you get,
and you-you, (grumbles) 'cause that's just natural.
The more you've done shit, the more jaded you get.
But I think we're going to be
the first generation of old people...
as soon as someone gets old,
they complain about the new kids.
"Oh, these kids today, look, they're crazy."
It's always that the new...
It used to be always that the new generation
was too deviant, these kids are out of control.
They're crazy, they're immoral. Look at what they're doing.
"In our day, if we wanted fun,
"we just went to a barn dance,
"and we didn't even finger fuck
"till we were, like, 35 years old.
But these kids today."
It was always that the new generation
was over the top, and we're going to be
the first generation of elderly people
complaining, but in the opposite fashion.
Where we're going, "Look at these
"kids today, these half-faggots.
"We used to do crank off of titty dancers and shit.
"No one got hurt, we had a lot of fun.
"We got some good stories and herpes out of the deal.
"It was a fucking good time.
The blisters bring me back."
These pussies, they drink
a Red Bull for some pep.
And they'd prefer if you went
on the patio for a cigarette.
The closest they come to a fistfight
is on a message board somewhere.
(applause)
"You looking at my girl?
"I'm going to delete you from my MySpace friends.
You got some 'block user' in your future, faggot."
They're about to start piss testing
for adrenaline in the workplace.
That's how sad this country's gotten.
Shaking your urine in front of you.
"Is that yours, Donnie?
"It looks a little cloudy. Have you been having
"fun on the weekend?
"Are we not enough fun for you
"here at the Verizon Wireless family?
You need to seek it elsewhere?
I don't think you're a team player."
That's why I love hearing people go,
"Oh, that town, that's like 20 years
behind the times, that fucking place."
Book me there.
I had fun 20 years ago.
What, I can still smoke indoors?
Ecstasy is still pure, uncut and readily available?
Oh, shit, what cavemen they must be.
The only drugs that are even popular anymore
are all the... dummy drugs,
all the drugs that make you more boring.
All the mood stabilizer, anti-depressant...
Everyone's got some mental disorder
they've been diagnosed with,
and they take a fucking pill.
They push them on me all the time.
I've ruined so many relationships,
'cause, you know, 'cause I think.
I fucking think all the time, sorry.
"Oh, jeez, oh, you, you...
It's ADD."
No, it's not ADD, I'm thinking.
I'm thinking about a lot of stuff.
That's not ADD.
Yeah, I stutter a lot and I fuck stuff up, but I'm...
That's 'cause I'm always thinking.
"Well, you're not listening to me."
'Cause I'm thinking about something
that's more interesting than you!
I'm trying to build
a perfect Utopian society in my head,
and what are you talking to me about?
Bowling or what?
And I do, I have a head
that won't shut the fuck up.
That's where the ideas come from.
Do you have a head like that?
Do you have the brain that just won't
shut the fuck up all the time?
(applause)
You learn to work with it.
Did you ever try to do this?
I tried this in July in Tucson, Arizona,
and, uh, failed miserably.
Did you ever try to sleep sober?
You ever try to do that?
It's completely impossible!
I tried.
I've got a meeting at 6:30 in the morning.
I've got a flight to L.A. for a meeting
so I'm trying to be responsible.
And I'm just laying there in the hotel.
There's no people or conversations; no distractions.
Sober and no television, just your head on a pillow.
1:00 a.m., 2:00 a.m., mother...
'Cause that's when the carnival kicks into high gear.
(singing carnival music)
"You're almost 40 years old, you fucking loser.
"How long you going to do this? How long you just going
"to get drunk and amuse shitheads for a living?
"Well, there must be something that rhymes with orange.
Lorenge, smorange, porange..."
This fucking music is playing in there,
and it always sucks.
* We didn't start the fire.
"Shut the fuck up!
"I've got to go to bed!
Three more hours, I've got to sleep!"
My ex-wife is in there.
"You never took me to the Botanical Garden.
"It was always about you, you fucking megalomaniac.
You never cared. I was dying of loneliness."
* It was always burning since the world was turning. *
"Shut the fuck up!
I've got to sleep."
I'm not taking fucking medication for it.
That's also where the ideas come from.
I'll just pour some alcohol on that when it happens
and try to even it out.
You work with your problems.
Fucking everyone's taking pills just
'cause they're afraid of standing out or...
"I was terrified when my doctor told me that
"I had a unique and interesting personality trait.
"But then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac.
"And I just take three pills a day,
"and I blend into this fucking
"horrible, inbred, corporate landscape,
and I don't care."
(applause)
They'll legalize any drug,
so long as that drug keeps you producing.
That's all they give a shit about, is production.
You kicking out enough boxes at the plant,
well, go, whatever keeps you doing that.
Keeps you vaguely content sitting in a cubicle.
Go ahead, FDA-approved.
"I have a job where I alphabetize insurance forms
"45 hours a week, and I noticed
"I couldn't concentrate so well on my job.
"So my doctor put me on Adderall,
"and now I can just breeze through my workday.
"I don't even notice that my empty life
"is being pissed away
"underneath fluorescent tubes.
"I have no highs or lows.
"I have no good stories. I'm just...
"But I'm getting a lot of stuff done.
"I'm probably the most boring person I know,
"but look at me produce.
"I just go A-B-C-D-E-F-G,
H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P."
(singsong gibberish)
You don't fucking take a pill for that.
You're not concentrating 'cause that's fucking boring,
and that's a natural reaction.
It's boring. Don't concentrate.
Find another way.
You got to make a living.
You got bills to pay?
Buy less shit and find some fun.
Suck a dick. You gotta pay bills,
suck a dick.
I'm talking to you in particular,
'cause you're close.
Whatever.
Spin around a brass pole a few times, whatever.
Say you saw the Virgin Mary
in a grilled cheese sandwich and sell that shit on eBay.
There's a grift in the system.
There's always a scam.
You don't have to do it just 'cause your guidance counselor
told you you'd excel at it.
Fuck 'em over.
This country is so bereft of imagination anymore.
So fucking... those pills,
probably have a lot to do with it.
"I was a real slut when I was a younger girl.
"I slept with a lot of guys.
"And it's not something that I'm proud of.
"But I'm in therapy now,
"and my therapist put me on Wellbutrin and Effexor.
"And she explained to me through our sessions,
"the reason I was so promiscuous.
"I come from a military family.
"So I didn't have a stable male role model in my life.
"I have a low self-esteem, 'cause I'm a little bit chunky.
"And I try to compensate for that by having sex
with a lot of different men."
Maybe you just like the cock!
Is that possible?
Is that possible that's why you slept around?
You like a fucking purple meat hammer
whaling in and out of your fucking
untrimmed, winter-ready New York sludge pot?
And that's fantastic.
Take some cock.
There's nothing wrong with it.
It's free fun, that's what it's there for.
Jeez, don't take a pill. Take the cock.
It's, it's there for that.
Maybe your clitoris is there for a reason.
Huh-huh.
Clit's there to attract a fucking pork sausage.
It's one equal right you'll never get.
You'll have every equal right
in the world, and you'll...
Women-- not you specifically-- get over yourself.
I'm talking, women will never have
the same equal right as men do to just...
You can't sling pussy without shame attached.
You'll be, you'll be Hillary Clintons,
and you'll get equal pay, but you want to go fuck
like this guy fucks on a weekend?
He gets high fives, you get
"Whore!"
They have to keep some shame involved.
I won't pick on you just because you're in the front.
That doesn't matter. But I'm making a point.
And-and I know it sounds base or coarse, but...
the reason that you can't do that as women...
pussy really is the main motivating factor
in all of humankind.
It really is.
It's what gets shit built.
I'm not, I'm not, "Yeah for pussy."
I'm not, I'm not...
This is a flaw in the system.
Don't clap for it.
I'm saying, that's the...
they know that is a catalyst, and that's why
religion and government have to control
supply and demand of pussy.
And they do that by heaping shame upon you
should you want to give away more than
the federally allocated
recommended daily allowance of pussy.
"Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?
"Whore!
"Shun your natural instinct, whore.
Or nothing will get built."
Uh, but they-they know that.
It's, it comes down to production.
It really does.
They have to keep that-that pussy like a dangling carrot,
something that's hard to get,
so he keeps running on the treadmill,
building out more shit,
sending out more boxes to the Dollar Store,
pointless shit that no one needs.
That's why cocaine is illegal.
It makes pussy too easy to get.
They can't have it.
They cannot have it.
If pussy were suddenly easy to get,
if it were simple for human beings
to just relate on a regular level...
If he could just lay down a big fat rail on the first date,
and you gack it up, ten minutes later
you're sucking his dick in a dirty urinal.
(moans)
You're loving every second of it...
(moans) no inhibition.
If it were that easy, then you wouldn't have to spend
60 hours working in a factory
and saving up your overtime check
so one day you can afford a spoiler for your Honda
that's gonna...
attract a girl's attention.
And then after a lengthy courting process
and you meet the parents
and sign the contract, maybe then, one year on your birthday,
she'll suck your dick in a broom closet.
(groans)
"I feel like a whore."
Should have done the bump.
It's fucking awful.
It's...
Just got to make sure you produce.
Buy, buy shit you don't need.
Come on, diamonds and fucking flowers.
At least black people knew when they were slaves.
You remain clueless.
Oh, saving up.
Fucking get a lot of work done.
Hard work, hard work
is fine if it's a work of passion,
but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people,
you're a fucking loser.
Fucking empty vessel.
Hard work, if it's, if it's hard work that you do
for free, hard work, if it's a work of passion,
you're, you know, working
at learning how to play the acoustic guitar.
You're trying to find my prostate
when we're on Ecstasy or something.
That's a work of passion.
Sure, go.
Dig in, root around, you know?
Just to work hard,
it's awful.
"You worked hard to get where you are."
No, I didn't.
I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.
And really, I'm not glorifying shit.
I ain't trying to build it up,
but it really is responsible for where I am.
I haven't ever tried very hard.
I'm here 'cause, I... you know, drugs expanded my imagination
and made me think
outside of, what, your fucking reality.
And cigarettes gave me the patience
to sit and write those thoughts down
in a comedy-friendly format
that you could understand.
And alcohol gives me the courage to stand up here
in front of you judgmental pricks and do it
with a quarter million dollars worth of cameras in your face.
(cheering)
I didn't fucking work hard for this show.
I-I-I am ill-prepared.
There are, there are people here from
the first show that, uh, and, you know,
"Wow, that's a lot of different material."
Yeah, just 'membered.
(chuckles)
Right?
I don't, I didn't want to try hard for this show,
'cause I didn't want to send
the wrong message to the kids who might be watching at home.
Don't fucking work hard.
Dummy, you die at the end!
Didn't anyone tell you?
Sorry.
That's the alcohol.
But it makes me funnier.
That's why, that's why I'm drinking.
I-Ironically, I'm drinking to be more professional.
'Cause I'm funnier when I'm drunk.
I really am. 17 years.
I have AA friends that I've had for...
lifelong friends that all of them
have had to eventually cave in
and admit that I'm funnier when I'm drunk.
It fucking kills them!
It's like they have to deny their own religion to admit it.
They're like, "All right,
"all right, you're fucking...
"That was a good show.
"I know you're fucking ripped, but, Doug, you have
"a serious problem, and you make jokes about it,
"that's how you deal with it,
"but I've been in the program for a long time.
"If you ever want someone to talk to...
"But don't quit tonight though;
"we have tickets for the late show.
"But...
"We've seen you sober.
"It's a stuttering, awkward wreck with no self confidence.
"But tomorrow, if you'd like to, uh, talk to me,
I'm up at 6:00 a.m."
Fuck you.
It's fucking horrifying, have an AA guy tell you to your face.
He's supposed to be the know-it-all, and he tells you
that your career is dependent on your disease?
Kind of a scary proposition.
It's like having your psychiatrist
tell you that not only are the voices in your head real,
but they're accurate as well.
What?
So I should kill the babysitter?
"I'm afraid so."
(man shouting)
Hey, I'm pouring more funny down my head.
pipe down.
Jesus died for your sins.
I'm doing it for
your mere entertainment dollar, ladies and...
That's far more admirable.
Jesus never made you laugh.
Never once.
You never worked all week,
fucking stacking pants at the Banana Republic
or whatever you do, and rushed home
on Friday night and dressed up to rummage through the Bible
to see what crazy antics your slapstick savior
was up to this week.
He never made you laugh.
He was a mythical, boring, unfunny fuck,
and I love you more.
Now watch me jack off.
That's not even a regular tagline.
Kind of detracts from the whole purpose of this joke, but the...
Why would you...
I don't even understand the connection; die for your sins.
What does, how, you...
He died for your sins.
Well, how does one affect the other?
I fucking, I hit myself in the foot
with a shovel for your mortgage.
What? I don't...
I don't understand the...
And if there is a correlation, why would you do that?
Why would you die for someone's sins?
Your-your sins are the only interesting thing
about you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.
Your sins are what make, make you fantastic.
That's what keeps us great
and exciting and fun.
That's what makes you alive, man.
You should wear your sins on your sleeve.
You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
When you go to work in the morning,
the first thing out of your mouth tomorrow morning at work
should be the dirtiest shit you did tonight,
'cause that's what people want to hear.
It makes you, huh!
Right?
You tell me a story, hypothetically,
you tell me a story about what a good Christian kid you are
and how that good book has filled you
with some effervescent loving light of Jesus
that shines out of every pore in your squash.
You're walking on sunshine 'cause of the Lord.
At the same time-- you keep the story going real loud--
at the same time, you tell me a story about
that one time you kick-fucked a girl
with cerebral palsy, and we'll see who draws a crowd.
Even, even your make-believe,
slapstick Jesus on a stick
would have to walk away from you right now.
"Oh, that's very. That's very nice.
"I pray for you, too, but I-I really want to hear this.
(yells)
"Start over!
"You did what?
"Was she into it?
"Oh, my God!
"What, uh, what kind of industrial lubricant do you...
"I can't believe I died for these stories.
These stories are fascinating."
(chuckles): It's so fucking silly.
If you're Christian, you get cheesed off with the Jesus.
I got Jew-hating stuff to follow it, so...
I mean, you are a shithead, but I can make you feel like
you're not the only shithead.
'Cause I got a fucking big blistering chunk of
Jew-hating coming right your way right now.
I didn't... I-I wrote this, uh, bunch of Jew-hating stuff.
I didn't intend to.
I was over in Scotland for...
Every year in August in Edinburgh, Scotland,
they have the Fringe Festival.
It's the biggest arts festival in the world.
It's a whole month long.
And I'm there in August and, uh, some jackass writer
for this, uh, London Times, he's trying to,
he's writing a story about anti-Semitism at the Fringe.
And they had found a review of mine
from earlier in the festival, this anti-Semitic guy,
and-and where I had been quoted out of context,
like, oh, just a string of blurbs.
"He says shocking things like
blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah."
And one of the things I had said that he quoted was,
"I hate the Jews."
Which sounds anti-Semitic.
So all of a sudden, I get thrown
into his little piece of literature,
and I had said it, I had said it, yeah,
without question, but I had said it in,
like, a happy, fun-loving, Jew-hating way.
There's no animosity.
It wasn't even a bit of mine.
It was just some aside when I was rambling about...
Fucking Mel Gibson was in the news at that time.
And I'm rambling about him being called anti-Semitic, going,
"Why's he getting so much press?
"He's an actor.
"Who gives a fuck what he thinks?
I need press. I hate the Jews. Give me press."
And ironically, yeah, bam, bam, bam,
banging on the door.
(applause) It's a fucking funny story.
If you know me, if you guys have known me for a while...
I've been doing this 17 years, and I...
I could fill three CDs worth
of just the Christian-bashing alone I've done over my career.
I've done Mormon-bashing and Muslim-bashing.
I'll do... I'll do more Scientology-bashing
once I have a stronger legal team, but...
(laughter and applause)
MAN: Yeah!
But it wasn't... it wasn't until this phone call,
that I realized I've never done any Jew-bashing
in my whole career.
All the religion-bashing I've done,
I've never fucked with the Jews.
I was like, "What... How did they ever escape?"
(laughter)
Uh...
And they do. They....
You know, in religion-bashing,
Jews never get fucked with, because A:
they don't have the aggressive recruiting policies
that other religions do.
They don't have billboards every 30 feet,
"Be a Jew or burn in hell.
Jew God is watching you."
They're not banging on your fucking door with pamphlets.
"I want to talk to you about Judaism."
(laughter)
So they don't get shit for that.
They don't get shit
because they have that Holocaust sympathy
they can surf on for another 15 years
till the last survivor dies,
or till the History Channel goes out of business, but...
(laughter)
And the Jews, to their credit,
they don't have the history of atrocities
that other religions have.
They don't, 'cause they fucking lost all the time, sorry.
(laughter)
But they don't, yeah.
They're not like, you know, the Muslims and Catholics.
I've heard so many comics doing bits about this new pope.
"Oh, isn't it scary, this new pope used to be a Nazi?"
And you go, "Not when you look
at their track records side by side."
The Nazis versus the Catholic Church?
The Nazis only lasted a dozen years,
and they got their ass handed to them in a high hat.
Catholic Church has been...
Has a far more prosperous and prestigious record
of murder and torture and tyranny
and oppression.
(cheering and applause)
And nonsense.
Not to mention the kid-fucking.
(laughter)
And they're still around and more popular than ever.
I'd be far more afraid to hear someone go,
"You know that new Nazi?
He used to be a pope."
(laughter)
"No shit? I'm fucking out of here.
That guy's dangerous."
(laughter)
(laughs)
(laughter)
MAN: Yeah!
So, fuck the Jews.
That's what I'm saying, I guess.
Fuck the Jews.
I'm sorry. I never said it over the course of my career,
but fuck the Jews, just for being a religion at all.
You're as complicit as the rest in the retardation
of human intellectual progress.
And fuck you, too.
(cheering and applause)
Fuck you.
My brother's a Jew.
My brother's a Jew, and I fucking...
Fuck him, too.
I hate his guts for it.
It's not like on a hate-hate level,
but fuck it, what are you thinking?
He converted 'cause the only humorless cunt in his life
that would ever fuck him twice-- he had to cave in and marry her.
(laughter)
'Cause he's afraid to die alone,
but he... but he doesn't mind settling for less.
And now they're together in...
in a passionless swamp of a relationship, and...
(laughter)
And they teach their kids that shit.
See, the parents wouldn't have him
if he wasn't converted to Judaism
'cause they're racist.
And there's another reason to fuck the Jews.
I don't like racists.
Fuck you, too, Jew.
"You're not good enough if you're not a Jew."
Fuck you.
(scattered applause)
Mostly I hate the Jews 'cause they're wicked annoying.
Can we agree on that?
Really, they're wicked annoying.
(laughter)
Listen, of all the religions I've been around,
the Jews have a tendency to throw their Judaism
into whatever conversation you're having,
any topic, whatever the subject.
"Whoa, that's funny 'cause I'm a Jew."
"Oh... Oh, I'm a typical Jewish mother."
"Did I say I grew up Jewish?"
"Well, my Jew family..."
"And Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew.
* Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew. *"
"That's all I got to say."
Jew, Jew. Why-Why...
Why do you keep saying Jew?
I'm at an airport bar with you.
I have to talk to you, but can you stop reminding me
that you're irrational in every third sentence?
It's like... It's like people
who are really into their astrological sign,
and they have to pitch that into whatever conversation
you're having to define themselves.
"That's funny. I'm a Virgo."
"Here's my Virgo coming out again."
(laughter)
"You're going to have to excuse me.
"I'm a bit of a perfectionist.
It's 'cause I'm a Virgo."
No, it's 'cause
you're a douchebag,
and you've been busting my balls all day.
(laughter, applause, cheering, and whistling)
It has nothing to do with your astrological sign
or some alignment of the stars.
It's 'cause you're a shithead, and it's time for you
to take individual responsibility for who you are.
Don't act like if your parents had fucked a month earlier,
you'd be feeding me chili dogs and letting shit slide.
(laughter)
You're an asshole.
Be who you are, but...
MAN: Yeah! (applause)
"I'm a Jew.
"We naturally carry a lot of guilt.
It's a Jewish thing."
No, it's a you thing! You, that fuckhead
in that chair!
Has nothing to do with Judaism.
If you have guilt, maybe you're weak of character,
maybe you're fucking guilty of something, I don't know.
Maybe you just stole that bottle of Jaeger out of my freezer,
and you're trying to...
But it has nothing to do with some ancient tribe
of blah, blah, blah.
That's not attached to your DNA, right?
By the... By the...
By the same logic, we all come from apes,
but I don't throw ape in every conversation.
(laughter)
Use ape to define myself,
use ape as an excuse to defecate
in my thumbless mitt and then hurl it at you.
(laughter)
"Yeah. I'm sorry.
"Did I just splatter you with wet feces?
"I'm sorry.
"I have a very rich ape upbringing,
a strong ape heritage. I..."
(groaning and laughter)
* Because I'm an ape, ape, ape, ape, ape, ape, ape *
* Ape, ape, ape, ape, ape, ape, ape *
* Ape, ape, ape!
Oh...
(laughter)
I'm really worthless as an individual.
Anybody... Anybody who defines themselves
solely on their... their race
or their religion or their nationality...
if that's the first thing out of your mouth...
"Well, what are you all about?" "Well..."
If that's the first thing on your MySpace page...
(laughter)
"Well, I'm an Irish-American, blah, blah..."
What the fuck is that? Who...?
You got nothing else.
(laughter)
Community college and something else,
but you use that fucking trivia
'cause you got nothing to say.
(laughter)
Useless!
MAN: Go get 'em, Doug.
Yeah.
(laughter)
I'm kind of out of shit.
Not in this set.
I mean, I have some stuff I put on paper,
but in the long term, I think I'm out of shit.
(laughter)
Fucking cannibalizing my own...
17 years, what else do you have to say?
If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
(laughter)
Every time an artist dies young...
I got, like, nine more days before I'm 40.
If I still have that three in front of my number,
maybe they'll say I died young.
If I have the four, died early perhaps.
(laughter)
Died not as late as he could have.
(laughter)
But every time an artist dies young,
Kurt Cobain or whatever, it's always the people...
"It's so sad.
He had so much more to give."
How do you know?
Maybe he was out of shit.
(laughter, cheering, and applause)
How do you know?
Maybe he's done.
He got all the money. He did all the drugs.
He fucked all your holes, and that's the American dream.
And when you're done with that,
you go, "Oh, that's why they call it a dream.
It's bullshit. I'm still empty."
And he cashed out. Maybe?
How do you know what any artist had left?
How do you know if Jimi Hendrix hadn't have died,
he wouldn't have wound up doing
Super Bowl halftime duets with Elton John right now?
* Rocket man
* Wah, wah, wah, wah...
And you're going, "This is tragic.
"Why didn't that guy die?
"He was my hero.
"I don't want to see this.
It's fucking pathetic."
(laughter)
How do you know if Lenny Bruce hadn't have died,
he wouldn't have wound up taking over Andy Rooney's spot
at the end of 60 Minutes?
(laughter)
Just some crusty old cunt with wiry eyebrows
bitching about ATM fees and a cluttered desk.
(muttering)
What do you know?
Maybe he was out of shit.
(laughter)
But back to nationalism.
(laughter)
Nationalism does nothing
but teach you how to... hate people
that you never met, and...
all of a sudden, you take pride
in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever.
(laughter)
And you brag about, you know...
Like, the Americans go, "Fuck the French.
"If we hadn't saved their ass in two World Wars,
they'd be speaking German right now."
We go, "Oh, was that us?
"That was us?
"Was that me and you, Tommy?
"We saved the French?
"Jesus!
"I know I blacked out a little bit
"after that fourth shot of Jagermeister last night,
"but I don't... I don't remember.
(laughter and applause)
"I know we went through the Wendy's drive-thru.
"We were going to get one of them freschetta sandwiches
"that look so alluring on the commercial.
"But then we ordered it, and realized we had no money,
"and we had to ditch out before the second window.
"And those douchebags in line behind us
"with the bass music probably got our order, and...
"We laughed about that,
"but I don't remember saving the French at all.
"I-I went through the last ten calls
"on my cell phone,
"and there's nothing incoming or outgoing
"to the French looking for muscle on a project.
"I checked my pants,
"and there's no mud stains on the knees
"from where we were garroting Krauts
"in the trenches at Verdun.
"I think we didn't do anything but watch sports bloopers
"while we got hammered.
I think we should shut the fuck up."
(cheering and applause)
It's silly.
All that stuff.
Tradition and heritage,
it's dead people's baggage.
Quit carrying it.
Did you make it up?
No, it's passed on to me.
Pass it back.
Every immigration argument that you hear,
they never come from a...
well, how does it affect you personally?
"Well, you know, these immigrants,
"they come to our country, they burden our tax system.
"What they do is, they come here
"and they get into our education system
"and our health care, and I gotta pay the taxes.
My taxes have to pay that."
Well, what the fuck are you doing to me?
Every time you have a kid,
every time you have a kid, 'cause it's American,
I should pull up a chaise lounge
and wave a flag while 15 of those things come out of you.
Pay every... oh, I can't wait to pay for these,
they're American.
I have a vasectomy and an abortion on my record,
but I can't wait
for all your fucking fat-headed
Midwestern kids to come out of you.
What are you, Catholic?
Come on, be fruitful and multiply.
Love it. Love it!
I'll get a second job.
No, keep...
"Well, these immigrants,
they don't, fuck... they don't speak the language."
Then don't talk to them.
There, I solved your problem.
That was quick.
You know who speaks the language perfectly?
Your next-door neighbor.
You've lived there eight and a half years,
you've never said one fucking word to that guy.
You avert eye contact
should you check the mail at the same time.
(mumbling)
So why would you give a shit
what the guy selling gnit-gnobs in a cart in the park speaks?
It's none of your fucking business.
And all the, all the clichéd
arguments, like that, well, they're,
they're lazy, they're shiftless, and they're criminals.
And all this, they... all those arguments go
go against the main clichéd argument
of they're taking American jobs.
I live on the Mexican border.
I live seven miles off the Mexican border
in a town, Bisbee, Arizona, a little town.
(applause)
I can go out any day
and watch Border Patrol arresting these guys
by the dozen, 11 at a time out of a Dodge Omni,
like a clown car with plastic cuffs.
(groaning)
And you're right, they don't speak the language
and they probably have no education.
They don't have fucking shoes half the time.
They're like barefoot and tattered castaway,
like Gilligan's Island shorts and...
"Hey!"
In a fucking dirty T-shirt
and they're dehydrated wandering the desert
for four days.
(moaning)
And if that guy is
as qualified for your job as you are,
you're a fucking loser
of such epic,
humiliating proportions.
I would be ashamed
to have anyone find out that guy took my job.
He doesn't speak English.
What, do they do your job training
in pantomime, shithead?
"Oh, si, come in.
"Boink, boink. I see.
"Boink, boink.
"Crank, crank, crank, crank?
"Crank, crank, crank, crank."
Oh, da-da-da-da-da."
You're outta here, mullet-head.
That guy's more qualified.
Fucking asshole, you should have tried harder.
Nobody bitches about immigrants taking their job
if that person has skills of any level.
Goddamn fucking brain surgeons
sitting around the Beverly Hills Hotel lounge.
"You know what really chaps my ass, Barry?
"Scandinavian fellas are coming over
"taking all our good neurosurgery positions,
"the Norwegians, specifically.
"I say we down ourselves a bottle of Jack Daniels
"and go stomp us some Weegie ass,
"the first Weegie we see.
"We jump...
MAN: Yeah! "jump...
"jump out of that Explorer and pound him.
Fucking immigrants."
All started with that Einstein.
Once they brought him over from Germany
and we didn't have any good genius jobs,
it was a trickle-down effect.
Stealing your job.
Hate, hate, hate.
Fear, fear, fear.
Hate, hate, hate.
Fear!
Come on, they're taking your jobs,
and terrorists are trying
to blow up your Ford Focus specifically.
You need some fucking...
Where's my Purell?
I touched a doorknob.
There's a new fever, a flu.
There's a big faggot, sober, responsible,
boring, dull, hand-sanitizing generation,
and I can't get the germs off me fast enough.
I'm afraid.
Fucking fag.
Faggots.
I...
I try to qualify.
I use "faggot" too liberally,
but I use it as a word of weakness.
I attach no sexuality to the word,
and if you're gay and you're in here
and you're offended,
I'll be at the door on the way out
and I'll suck your dick just to show that I meant no offense.
I'm not going to get wicked into it
and like yank on your balls, like, like you're coked up
and that's the only way you can come.
I'll just pinch you with two fingers
and (grunting)...
But just to show that I mean no disrespect,
'cause it's too strong of a word to let go.
"Faggot" is a good word.
So you know, I got a little sore on my lip right there,
to match the one that broke out on my dick
from distress and...
Yeah, yeah, well, you know what?
I mean, I-I, I was a player,
not a fucking spectator in this life, honey.
You look at herpes
like a skateboarder looks at a skinned knee
when you play long enough.
Ain't that big a fucking deal,
and I ain't that into you anymore.
I'm an old man.
I don't give a shit.
Anyway, let's move on.
I was trying to segue into kid-fucking,
but, segue is gone, let's just jump right in, shall we?
Internet predators.
Yeah.
Oh, they're very popular, all over the television,
the fucking... Catch a Predator,
MySpace, you know, fuck, yeah.
Like, I don't know, 'cause I...
I was a kid at one point.
I don't remember, but there's pictures.
But, uh,
I remember we didn't have the Internet,
but to avoid predators, our parents would go, uh,
"Hey, uh, son,
"don't talk to strangers.
Some of them might try to fuck you."
And you go, "Oh, thanks, man.
Thanks. Thanks for that heads-up."
And then you just went about your day.
Does that not work for the Internet now?
You don't have to parent anymore?
Oh, the Internet, like they have some crazy way
of getting around the "don't talk to strangers."
What the fuck?
If you're parents and you're in here
I know you don't want to hear this.
You'll argue with me
and you'll say that I-I'm twisting the facts,
I'm wrong, but this is the truth.
That, that probably, and huge probability,
when I say "probably," astronomical odds,
Vegas odds,
statistical probability, probably,
nobody wants to fuck your kid.
I know you don't want to hear it.
You want to think that child is so ultra-fuckable,
that all the pedophiles there,
they're jockeying for position right now
down at the seesaws waiting for him
to come out of first period.
Wait for it!
Not that chunky kid,
the oatmeal kid, that's what we're all here for.
High five, high five, yeah.
If you wanted your kid to get fucked,
just to prove to your neighbors
in your gated community
that your kid's hotter than their kid,
and you sent your kid out as bait
and you put him in a Catholic schoolgirl skirt
with no underpants, and you made him hop on a pogo stick
to school, you know, so, so
his little pink, fleshy hindquarters
shown so temptingly towards traffic,
he would still probably graduate
school having never been pooned,
and then what an asshole you'd look like,
trying to brag around a gated community
at the next cocktail mixer.
"It's just by the grace of God
"that no one, no one ever fucked him.
"It's only 'cause of my hypervigilance
"and the work of my congressman
"getting more laws passed on the Internet,
that he never got fucked."
(laughter)
If I were a parent, I would prefer
that pedophiles be on the Internet.
There's no more pedophiles in the world
than there ever have been.
They act like the Internet is creating pedophiles,
where there were none.
If I were a parent, if you exist anyway,
stay on the Internet, stay jacking off
in your basement in South Carolina
as opposed to the old-fashioned way
where they actually went down to your schoolyard.
They did laps around the playground,
smarties on a fishing line,
trying to fly-fish little Junior
into the Oldsmobile.
Keep beating off on the Internet.
Just don't fuck the kid.
That's what it's about, right?
Just don't fuck the kid.
That's all you should worry about.
But that's not what the-the fucking, the Attorney General,
his, he says his, his number one focus
is to stop the kid-fucking,
but he doesn't, he wants to go after the Internet.
He's not going after the guy with the kid and the camera.
He just... they use that fear-mongering
to get more government control in your life,
more legislation, more,
"Oh, no, I don't want to have to be responsible for my own kid.
"You take care of it, Mr. Government.
"And if I get tired of it, I'll just vote for the other party.
And that'll make a difference."
(lone clapper)
Stop it.
Child pornography, rampant on the Internet.
Have you seen it?
Attorney General, "Oh, we need to stop this.
"Child pornography is rampant on the Internet.
We need more government involvement because...
I've never seen child pornography on the Internet.
But I've seen every other type
of deviant, grotesque,
sometimes stimulating,
always clever, every other type of pornography
that two eyeballs can absorb.
You get into one good fruitless coke yank,
where you're all gacked up on blow
and you're just beating off till the band plays,
'cause hookers won't answer their phone at this hour.
You're...
You know it's not gonna work.
It ain't gonna finish it.
This is a cold, dead eraser in your hand right now.
Wake up!
You punch it in the face.
You fucking wake up and talk to me!
You were awake when we bought this shit.
You're waking up now!
And you just start clicking on random porn links,
and you got pop-ups everywhere,
and that chick looks hot, click on that, and you go everywhere.
You just keep seeing shit.
It's never what it's advertised.
18-year-old amateur hot co-ed action
and you click on it and it's some fucking
bondage enema porn,
some fucking...
amputee porn.
I've seen what, prego popper,
a fucking lactating mama, all, a flattop fucker.
I mean, they all sound like funny shit, they all exist.
And-and-and shit, I make fun of,
midget porn, it's funny to say but it's out there.
It's like the comic-relief porn
I look at after I've just jacked off
to something hugely uncomfortable,
and I go, "Oh, well, let's go look at midget porn and laugh.
"Ha, ha, ha! Someone's into this.
"You fucking...
You gaytard."
But it's all out there.
All this shit.
Never saw someone fuck a kid.
I've seen three old queers.
Go to my Web site.
On the forum on my Web site, seriously.
They have a thread called "The Tsunami of Poon,"
where all these guys just post the most disturbing pictures
to fuck with everyone else.
Three old queers is...
three old guys in their 70s.
They look like, any kind of, you know,
fez-wearing fucking Shriners, but now they're all naked.
One's sucking the other one's dick
and the other two are making out very passionately,
which is more disturbing than even the blowjob,
as the other two silver-haired...
It's like, "Ah!"
Seen that.
Never seen the child porn.
I've seen cock-fingering on the Internet.
Have you seen...
Cock-fingering.
I've seen it several times randomly surfing porn.
Digit in the male urethra.
Objects in the male urethra.
Seen cock-fingering, seen it several times,
yet I've still never managed
to see someone fuck a child randomly.
So if-if child pornography is
rampant on the Internet,
cock-fingering is probably
occurring in this room as we speak.
(cheering and applause)
I have no children.
If I, if I had children...
O-Once people have kids,
they get all fucking weak and they have that genetic defect
that makes them want to protect,
but make other people like the government do it for them.
(growling)
I don't, I don't have a child.
Maybe I'd feel differently if I did.
"Well, once you have kids..."
I don't know.
I know I've had an abortion...
with my wife, and it's been
five years probably now.
I just want to say...
still a great decision.
Every Roe v. Wade
anti-abortion rally that comes out,
they'll find some fucking crying cunt from a trailer park
and put her behind a podium
and pat her back so she gets attention,
and she goes, "I regret it to this day.
"I had an abortion because I was in a lot of trouble,
and I wish I had that baby back in my arms."
Us--
we don't agree on much, my wife and I,
but we agreed that was the best decision we ever made.
Still,
five-year anniversary, glad we fucking killed the baby.
Five years later, still glad,
still happy, no guilt, no regret.
Have a lot of regrets about how we handled the relationship,
but never the baby, never brought up.
I'm just saying.
In case you ever come to that point--
"I'll regret it down the line."
We haven't.
You don't hear that side of the story.
I'm just saying.
I got, I got an, I got this anti-abortion flier.
They were, they were sticking them
under everyone's windshield wiper
in the parking lot of this place in Texas.
It had a picture of a dead fetus on the front.
You know how the pro-life folk
are so fond of the dead fetus photo?
They get a picture
of an aborted fetus,
and they run home and they blow it up large on a placard
and they bring it down to their protest rally
and they shove it in your face at 9:30 in the morning.
"Look at that!
"This is what abortion does right there.
"Don't you turn away!
This is abortion."
You're like, "I'm just going to the ATM.
"I'm not going in this place.
"Clear the sidewalk, lady,
"I'm hungover.
I'm about to fucking barf anyway."
But they, they do that.
The idea is that that picture is supposed
to be so disturbing and so disgusting
that it will single-handedly change
your whole view of the abortion issue,
a-as though live childbirth
were really pretty to look at,
when that living monster is actually ripping out of you.
(yelling)
It's all covered in blood and mucus,
and sputum is flying everywhere
and the fucking thing's screaming.
You're fucking screaming. Everybody is screaming.
Your husband is vomiting through a surgical mask
while trying to maintain a comforting eye contact.
(retching)
"That's pretty, baby. I love you..."
(retching)
And now your snatch
and asshole have all been torn into one big,
open septic manhole.
"Look at it!
Don't you turn away."
Oh, yeah, you put a picture of that under my windshield wiper,
I'll frame it and put it over the piano.
That's... that's adorable.
That's a little sweetheart.
But this little peaceful
freeze-dried aborted fella laying
all nighttime on a comfy pillow next to a ruler--
he's disgusting.
Ugh.
Shame be that.
Like I said, I've had an abortion, I've been party
to an abortion, so...
And we don't know what became of it.
When we had an abortion, we just shuffled out the front door.
We didn't tag its ear or keep in touch
or track it on a GPS system.
Pen pals-- no, we fucking left.
So if I see a picture of an aborted fetus,
there's that part of you that's got to wonder a little bit...
"Hey.
"Steve, anything?
"He really look like me at all?
"Come on.
"Come on. There's a little bit.
I think he's got my scowl."
(grunts)
(laughs)
If you've had an abortion...
it really makes
the whole idea, the... the whole concept of Heaven
a lot more disconcerting,
if you've had an abortion.
As irrational or illogical
as that idea is, it's still, it's depressing to think about
if there were a heaven, and that...
you fought through the white light
and got up to the pearly gates,
that'd be the first dead relative waiting for you there,
all angry and pinch-faced.
(whines)
"Oh, look who's here.
"Yeah, oh, yeah.
"Yeah, took your time, didn't you?
"Yeah.
"Huh, looked like you were having a lot of fun down there.
"You know they took pictures of me!
"They took pictures of me!
Laid me next to a ruler, for Christ's sake."
* Would you know my name?
(applause)
So I...
So I get the flier.
It's got the dead fetus on the front.
On the back of the thing, it's got the whole
pro-life propaganda screed.
At the bottom, the guy who prints these things
for a living, for fun,
or profit, or whatever his motivation is--
he puts his name and phone number at the bottom,
in case you want to order more.
And I'm drunk with a phone.
(muttering)
And the guy answers his phone.
It's not even, it's not even a business.
It's a dude in rural Wisconsin
answering his phone in the bedroom.
"Hello?"
And I want to fuck with him, but I want to be original.
You don't just want to be drunk
and try to throw logic at this problem.
You're just going to waste cell phone minutes.
That's like trying to kick water uphill.
You ain't going to win.
So what I did is
I came at him and I attacked him
from the more conservative angle,
where I accused him of being the worst type
of child pornographer on this planet.
(cheering)
"This is sick.
"I can't believe what I'm looking at, sir.
"This is a child in this photograph.
"That's not a choice; that's a child,
"and for you to distribute photographs
"of naked children
"around my neighborhood,
"you're attracting the most deviant type
"of child predator on this planet.
"Right now,
"pre-term necrophiliac child molesters
"are masturbating like frenzied apes in cages
"to your handiwork, sir.
"Don't you d-d-d-duh me.
"You knew what you were doing.
"You could have Photoshopped a bikini onto that little baby.
"You could have airbrushed
"a tasteful one-piece,
"but you chose not to
"'cause this is how you get your rocks off
and I hope you burn in hell."
WOMAN: Yeah! Click.
(cheering and applause)
I don't get here very often.
I'm glad I had the opportunity again.
(cheering and applause)
MAN: Yeah!
So I... so I, so I can close strong and say fuck the Yankees.
I want to close with "Fuck the Yankees!" (cheering)
Yeah, fuck the Yankees.
How about that? (booing)
Fuck the Yankees.
Fuck you and your Yankees.
Fuck the Yankees. (crowd members yelling)
Yes.
Fuck the Yankees for several reasons.
You want to go through all of them?
Fuck the Yankees-- A: they bought their team.
Yes, they bought the team.
They spent the most money; they're supposed to win.
Like, okay, not fu...
if you have money on the Yankees,
different story.
If you have money on any team,
okay, go ahead and cheer for that team.
It's kind of like having stock in a company--
you have an investment, you're cheering for that--
but if you're just going to be
some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic
drinking overpriced beer in the stands,
paying too much money for parking,
and they're going to yell for a team,
have some character and pick an underdog.
If you're just yelling to yell, pick an underdog.
Why not?
The Yankees are supposed to win.
So for you to be a dildo arrogant fan
on top of that?
That's like going to a casino and cheering for the house.
And being an asshole about it.
(grunts)
(cheering and stomping)
Fucking zip up to the fucking Indian casino.
Just set up shop
right behind a blackjack table and go,
"Oh, dealer busted your ass, bitch, huh?
"That's my fucking dealer.
"I chose that dealer.
"I got my deal... dealer hat on.
"I spent food money for this hat.
I'm hungry."
What the fuck is that?
And fuck the Yankees most
'cause they're the reason
that you have to go outside to smoke cigarettes.
(cheering)
And the reason that they just banned trans fat in food.
They're telling you how to eat in this city,
how to live your life,
what you can do on your own property.
They just banned fucking.
They're trying to ban, uh, fucking iPods in crosswalks.
State supreme court in this state
ten days ago upheld a ban on dancing in nightclubs.
Anybody know this?
Nightclubs.
Not, not fucking Utah, not Footloose.
New York City!
Tough guys, aren't you?
You're fucking standing out like fucking bitches smoking outside.
They tell you what you can put in your food,
what you can eat, where to dance, where to walk.
Can't fucking use my cell phone behind the wheel of my car,
but tough motherfucker.
Before you advertise how tough you are,
you might want to go into the bathroom
and douche some of Bloomberg's cock smell out of your assholes
because it seems to me that you are just little bitches
to City Hall,
and that's why I say "Fuck the Yankees," too,
'cause the Yankees,
what you were all rallying around and getting pumped up
and badass about,
when you should have been down at City Hall,
60,000 of you getting fucking amped up
the next time someone even mentions a smoking ban.
There should have been 60,000 of you pricks fucking booing
and throwing batteries at the guy who suggested it.
You distracted motherfuckers.
I got to go.
(cheering and applause)
I'll see you outside smoking.
I'm not shilling applause.
This is where credits roll.
It's kind of part of the thing.
I'd rather be back there.
Go ahead. Sit down.
I don't want this.
It's not real.
You're lying.
I like you anyway.
Fuck the etiquette.
What?
Just sit quietly.
It'll be, it'll better credits if you all just sit.
That'll be credits.
That would be real for, like, 60% of my shows.
All right, can I go now?